Captain, are you okay?
by Mrs. Singing Violin
Summary: Chakotay's concerned. Janeway responds.


Title: Captain, are you okay?  
Author: Singing Violin  
Rating: K  
Series: Star Trek: Voyager  
Disclaimer: They're not mine.  
Feedback: Always welcome.  
Summary: Chakotay's concerned. Janeway responds.  
Dedication: To Jordan Trevor, a discussion with whom sparked this idea.

"Captain, are you okay?"

The words wrapped her like a blanket and invited her to snuggle inside. She looked into his worried eyes and felt a deep longing to succumb, to allow him in.

_No_, she imagined replying. _No, I'm not. I haven't been okay for quite some time, and what I really want is a hug…from you. It won't make it better, but at least I can have a cry on your shoulder and feel some relief, even if just for a moment._

…_But what then? _she reminded herself. _What happens next, after you allow him to comfort you?_

She was reminded of a conversation she'd had, just before she'd gone off on her first Starfleet assignment.

"_Your father's got it easy, you know," Gretchen said. "Compared with you."_

_Katie looked up at her mother with eyes slightly darting from side to side. "What do you mean?"_

_Gretchen sighed heavily. "Well, Katie, you're a woman."_

_She rolled her eyes. "Yes, Mom. I've noticed. What has that got to do with anything?"_

_The older woman smiled slightly, sadly. "You're right, Katie, it shouldn't. But it does. After all these years of progress, it still matters. People will expect different things of you than they would if you were a man."_

"_Like what?" she asked._

_Gretchen paused carefully before continuing. "You will be expected to wear makeup, to be comfortable in heels, and to have an…attractive…hairstyle. You'd best practice getting into 'costume' as quickly as possible, because you won't be allotted any more time than the men to get ready, yet you will be expected to look far more…put together."_

"_Seriously?" asked Kathryn incredulously. "A ponytail isn't good enough? And makeup?!"_

"_I'm deadly serious, Katie," her mother responded coolly. "If you don't look like a…professional woman…you'll be fine in the lower ranks, but you'll never get promoted. Nobody will think of you as commanding unless you 'put on a face.'"_

"_This is ridiculous, Mom. I'm sure there have been female captains that haven't…looked so feminine."_

_Gretchen shook her head. "Name one."_

_Gulping, Kathryn realized that she couldn't. "All right. Is there more?"_

_Her mother nodded. "There's more. I've seen your father come home devastated, broken…more than once. Space is a cruel mistress. People die out there, Katie. And it affects him every time. But you…you have to be able to deal with it without crying, without looking weak. You have to appear unflappable. You have to be ten times stronger than the men in order to be treated with equal respect."_

_Kathryn took a deep breath. "I think I can do that, but it doesn't seem fair."_

_Gretchen chuckled slightly. "It's very much not fair, Katie. But it's the way it is. You have so much to give. But in order for Starfleet to…allow you that opportunity…you have to make them believe in you. And for the simple fact of your two X chromosomes, they're already biased against you."_

_A small smile slowly spread across Kathryn's face then, as she eyed her mother appreciatively. "I understand. I'll make you proud, Mom." With that, she gave Gretchen a warm hug, then walked out the door._

_She didn't see the tear slide down her mother's cheek as she responded, "I know you will, Katie."_

Back in the present, her mind ran with the fantasy she'd concocted. She saw Chakotay watching her every move, trying to judge whether each mission was 'appropriate' for her at the time, whether she could handle it. She saw him second-guessing her actions, making sure to protect her from harm…at the expense of the mission, and the rest of the crew.

_No_, she concluded. _Nothing good can come of that._

"I'm fine," she responded, more coldly than she intended. "Dismissed."

She didn't miss the look of frustration and concern in her first officer's eyes as he turned and exited the room. She anticipated that he would try again, but she resolved to fend him off, indefinitely if need be.

"I'll make you proud, Mom," she whispered again to the empty room.


End file.
